Some Guts

I just want to play like that maestro who makes it seem so effortless but then everyone does and I suppose why that makes makes everything so hard is because it makes me forget that I am a maestro of sorts for somethings too and that I have worked hard to become so, or at least suffered the pain of hardships for it and therefore, watching the maestros around sometimes is hard for I forget about my own maestroing. I make you want to vomit sometimes? Well then again, I agree with you, I make myself want to vomit sometimes too. I am not so maestro-ish as you think or I sometimes believe, so don't go vomitting in envy away, and please don't be envious in the first place if you can help it, if anything do not be envious of me, who cannot even talk to people and who is not a maestro after all, but just tells herself that so that when she sees the other maestros she can assuage the envy her own heart feels.... her heart, which chafes against the longing for some people and some things and is rubbed raw from it by now and which is probably beating much too fast when some approach and much too slow when others... it's a discerning heart I suppose, in that it judges its beats like that and unlike the maestro it's meter is never constant, erratic and silently so, a harping heart.