Sometimes it's Scary to Sleep

When I'm assaulted
by myself
by day some days
but keeping myself
largely at bay
with some jabenero
pepper juice,
it's scary to succumb
to unconscious,
uncontrolled
night-thoughts
and dream meanings.
When I'm assaulted
by others
or by circumstances
(which only happens
once in a
great yellow moon),
it's also scary
to do that.
To sleep.
But the worst
terrification
is brought on by
self-deception.
Sleep
assuages
grief
I'm
told
but
it's
not
grief
I'm
afraid
of
you
silly
it's
me
and
my
lies
to
me.
When I sleep
I can no longer
reassure rectify justify
myself. I am bare to the diaphragm.
My head and heart are open
and will no longer accept
or form hiccups
of reality.
My rib cage goes up
and therefore
I am no longer
defended by that bony breastplate.
I must face myself
unarmed;
must face white pointy hard gut truth
and not tell anyone.
I try not to tell myself
but fail, which exacerbates
the whole thing
Anyway
Good night.